Cat's Outing

"I am bored," said the cat.

"I am bored too," I replied glumly.

"You could place a banana peel below the window," the cat said.

"How will that be interesting?" I asked.

"We can then bet on how long it will be before someone hits their backside on the peel," the cat said.

"That would be mean," I said.

"Don't look for meaning in everything," the cat said reproachfully, "Like Isaac Newton."

"You mean that fellow that God banished from Paradise for needling Eve about the apple? I did not know that!" I remarked wonderingly.

"That's a long story," the cat replied yawning, "I'm so bored!"

"Me too," I said not to be outdone.

"Why don't we go out for a walk?" the cat asked brightly.

"Not such a bad idea, but there are mean dogs outside," I said.

"That shouldn't be a problem if you take me in a pram," he said.

"A pram? Where will I get a pram? I am a bachelor," I pointed out.

"You can get it from your neighbour, he has one," the cat informed.

"All right, I will get it," I said.

"Don't be long," said the cat yawning.

When I was standing before my neighbour's door, I saw that he had put up a notice 'Single knock if you are a man, double knock if you are a woman'.

I kicked the door and it opened instantly.

"Oh! It's you again?" he asked disgustedly, "I don't have a cup of sugar!"

"I'm only wanted to borrow the pram that you have," I told him.

"The pram? But that did not belong to me!" he exclaimed, "It belonged to a lady who took it along with her whenever she shared bed and board with a gentleman."

"Where will I find her?" I asked getting to the point.

He scribbled her address on a piece of paper. "Here," he said with a wink, "and watch your step with the pram!"

It took me some time to find the address. She lived on the fifth floor. I was soon at her door and was knocking furiously.

"Jesus!" said the woman appearing behind the half-opened door.

"Thou shalt not take the name of thy God in vain," I admonished her.

"Another preacher bum I see!" she exclaimed.

"I am only looking for the pram that you have," I said kindly.

"You are not saving souls then this time," she said looking a bit friendlier.

"Just the pram," I said.

"But you can't take the pram, without taking me," she said pouting.

"Let's not be difficult," I said soothingly.

"Twenty bucks," she said.

"Ten," I countered.

"Per hour," she corrected.

"Are you a pram or a car dealer?" I asked astonished.

"A little of both," she said counting the cash.

I returned with the pram after midday.

"I see you have got the perambulator," the cat said brightening.

"It's a long story," I said wearily.

That evening I tucked the cat into the pram and took him to a nearby park.

An old lady stomping behind a dignified little dachshund exclaimed, "Oh! What a pretty little baby you have!"

The dachshund paused and sniffed at the air. "Grrrrr!" It said.

"Now don't be naughty," she told her pet, "I am just seeing that beautiful baby! Don't be jealous!"

"Grrr woof grrr," replied her pet.

"Bless my soul, your baby has whiskers!" exclaimed the old lady looking closely.

"He had too much of vitamins," I said trying to lull her suspicion.

"He has such round eyes too," the lady remarked.

"Always curious," I said easily.

"And, he has claws too," the old lady shrieked hysterically.

"He was not properly weaned, so he bites and scratches a bit," I admitted.

"Is he a monster?" the old lady asked me annoyed.

"He has been called a lot of names, but not that," I pointed out.

"I think I will faint," the old lady said weakly.

"But there are no stretchers here," I pointed out.

"Don't need one," she replied and collapsed.

A policeman came running up. "What did you do to that old woman?" he barked.

"Grrr grrr," growled the dog.

"Nothing, I was just here for a walk," I said innocently.

"What have you got in that pram?" he asked suspiciously.

"That's my baby," I replied haughtily.

"One of those test tube babies?" he asked interestedly.

"Meow," replied the cat from the pram.

"What was that?" asked the policeman suspiciously.

"His vocal chords aren't fully developed as yet," I replied.

The old lady stirred, "It's the devil," she shrieked and passed out again.

"I think I will call an ambulance," the policeman said walking away.

"And, ask them to get a straightjacket too," I called after him.

"I have enough of prams," the cat hissed at me as the dachshund growled again.

"Let's blow," I said.

 "Here's you blow!" someone said and boxed my left ear.

"What was that!" I yelped cowering.

"That was for frightening my grandma," the someone said.

"And that was for her dog," the someone said boxing my right ear.

Then I heard a howl. "Help!" shouted the someone who I discovered was a scruffy teenager.

The cat gave me a proud look. "Shall I nip his ankles again?" he asked.

"Just once more," I said.

"Ow! Help! Grandma! Police!" the scruffy teenager yelped and took to his heels like a panicked dodo.