The Bald and the Beautiful

"I have been deserted," my friend came up to me, wailing.

"Deserted?" I asked in consternation, "Your wife left you?"

"No, no, I never had a wife," he grieved some more.

"Is it your girl friend then?"

"No, no," he babbled, "I'm ruined!"

"Your bank failed?" I asked worriedly.

"No, no," he moaned dancing on one foot in agitation.

"Then, your cook must have left you. It is a shame!"

He stamped his foot in agitation a few times. "No, no! I'm devastated."

"There you go again," I said trying to be helpful.

"No, no!"

"Kindly look at number of 'nos' you uttered in this brief conversation," I pointed out cordially.

"Ten times," he said doing mental maths.

"What is the 'no' about?" I exclaimed.

"I've been deserted," he blubbered.

"There, you have come full circle now. Now lead on from there," I said helpfully.

"Can't you see?" my friend asked sounding upset.

"See where?" I asked.

"See there," he said pointing up.

I looked up at the sky surprised. "The world is not coming to an end I suppose," I said astonished.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a few shakes making my teeth rattle in my head.

"What was that about?" I asked indignantly.

"For failing to see the obvious," he said falling on my left shoulder and sobbing aloud.

"I'm short-sighted you know," I reminded him helpfully.

"You should use a magnifying glass then," he howled.

"Oh! I did when I was a little boy," I replied modestly.

"It has nothing to do with when you were a little boy?" he yelled.

"Now, don't lose your temper," I replied heatedly.

"I won't." he said, "but you could lose a couple of your teeth!"

"Why! There's no need for me to go to the dentist now," I said.

"You won't need to," he replied his fists bobbing dangerously below my nose.

I ignored his gesture. "Then why are babbling about dentists?" I asked crossly.

"Because you will need dentures soon," he said ominously.

"But I've only a few teeth missing!"

"You will be missing a lot more," he replied darkly.

"Don't speak in riddles!" I retorted.

"Your front portion will soon be riddled with teeth," he said warningly.

"You wouldn't do that to a friend," I replied alarmed.

"I could do a lot worse," he said dancing his fists inches below my nose again.

"Don't do that. I don't want to become cock eyed!" I exclaimed.

"By the time I'm finished with stomping on your remains, you won't notice that you are cock eyed," he replied rolling up his shirtsleeves.

I backed away in alarm noting the gleam in his eyes.

"You really need some glasses. We can have some at the bar down the road," I said soothingly.

"Glasses forsooth!" He said gnashing his teeth.

"Your reason has deserted you," I said alarmed.

"It was I who spoke first about being deserted," he said gnashing his teeth some more.

"Yes, I know, but it was not your wife, or your girlfriend or your cook, so please make up your mind," I said genially.

"My mind?" he asked scornfully.

"Your mind," I replied. "Is it the wife, the girlfriend or the cook?"

He started sobbing.

"There, there," I said soothingly, "let me lend you my handkerchief."

He sobbed some more.

"There, there calm down," I said paternally.

His left hook caught me entirely by surprise. I tottered.

"I was meaning to do that for some time now," he said gleefully.

"A friend in need is a friend indeed," I said swaying on my feet.

"Indeed?" he asked incredulously.

"Shall I turn the other cheek?" I asked solemnly.

He gave me a swift kick in the pants.

"Yow!" I yelped, "That's assault and battery."

"Battery? More likely your fuse is blown," he replied happily.

"I'm not a human bomb that I'll short circuit!" I protested.

"There won't be much of your human remains left after I've finished with you," he said smacking his chops in anticipation.

"You can't keep hitting me! Moreover, you cannot hit below the belt. It's not in the rules," I yelled.

"Bulls eye," he shouted gleefully as his fist found my solar plexus.

My breath whistled out.

"Don't whistle, especially at girls! Its bad manners," he said smartly tripping me with his left foot.

"But. but has this anything to do with desertion?" I managed to gulp staggering up..

"Desertification, not desertion," he corrected himself.

"What about it?" I asked still mystified.

"Look up," he said.

I looked up at the sky again and found nothing interesting.

"What?" I asked perplexed.

"Not up there," he said yanking my left ear, ""Up there." He pointed to his scalp.

"You mean that hole in the head?" I chortled.

"I'm growing up to be the bald and the beautiful!" He moaned in disgust.

"Hello Baldy!" Happy Naked Pate's Day," I shouted and took to my heels as his fists flailed helplessly in my direction.