Senile Delinquent

"You see that girl over there?" I asked my friend.

"I don't ogle girls," he replied prudishly.

"I'm not asking you ogle her, I just want you to notice that she has leporine teeth!" I said proud of the new word that I had learnt.

"Are you calling her a leper?" he asked noticeably irritated.

"I'm not calling her a leper, I just mean that she has teeth like a rabbit," I said explaining.

"Oh! You have been learning new words to try on the dumb and innocent!" He questioned.

"That girl could be innocent and dumb too!" I emphasised.

"Innocence, dumbness and leporine teeth don't go together," he replied.

"Buckteeth then!" I said earnestly.

"Don't speak of teeth, you don't have many left," he said scornfully.

"Yes, if I can't eat something, I can always suck my thumb, it's a thumb rule with me," I replied.

"More like a sore thumb to me," he cackled.

"Don't cackle like a hyena, they have leporine teeth," I replied tartly.

"What if they did? You won't run into them in a city," he said mockingly.

"I'll give them a thumb up if I do," I said noticing another girl with buckteeth, "There goes another one!"

"A hyena? Where?" he asked startled.

"You just told me that you don't see hyenas in cities," I replied.

"You never know," he said warily, "they could have escaped from the zoo or a circus," he said cautiously.

"The zoo is miles away and there are no circuses in summer," I replied.

"Will you stop calling girls hyenas; they are bound to take offence! And, stop speaking of zoos and circuses," he said.

"All right I will go and suck my thumb then," I replied crossly.

"And, then go into a catatonic trance," he said meanly.

"I'm not schizophrenic," I protested.

"You will be, if you go on looking at girls," he countered.

"I don't do that," I said disapprovingly.

"But you do suck your thumb! You confessed to it!" he pointed out.

"Ogling isn't bad for you," I said.

"How do you know what is good and bad for me?" he asked warmly.

"No, no, I was only speaking in general terms. Ogling is not such a bad thing was what I meant," I said soothingly.

"There is a law against it," he replied.

"Not if no one is noticing," I replied doggedly. "I'm only looking out for leporine teeth."

"I've never heard of leporine false teeth," he mocked.

"Those girls didn't have false teeth," I objected.

"How did you know? You didn't ask them," he said.

"I would have got hit on the head if I did and I dislike being bonked on the bean," I replied.

"It would have served you right and better still if you served time in the cooler," he said meanly.

"The law is an ass," I said pompously.

"Are you abusing me?" he asked darkly.

"It's Mr. Bumble who said it," I said meaningfully.

"Mr. Bumble who? Do I know him?" he questioned.

I shook my head vigorously. "It's a character in 'Oliver Twist'.

"I have heard of the twist, but never olive twist. How do they do it?" he asked baffled.

"It's not a bit like cha cha cha," I said enjoying myself.

"Chai? You mean tea?" he asked.

"It's a case of the pot calling the kettle black," I said haughtily.

"Are you calling me a kettle because I've a long nose and am dark," he asked his nostrils flaring.

"No, no," I replied hastily.

"I'm not a pot either," he glared.

"Don't have a pot to piss in," I said helpfully.

"What are you gibbering about?" he asked bewildered.

"Merely a saying, like a pot calling the kettle black," I pointed out.

"You lay off," he said wagging his finger at me.

"I think you're pissed off," I said.

"Don't go on talking about urinating!"

"It rhymes perfectly with ruminating," I replied.

"Will you stop urinating?" he asked furiously.

"Piss off," I said rudely.

"I will not urinate in public," he replied defiantly.

"The law will nip you in the bum and also levy a stiff fine in all probability if you do," I said helpfully.

"The law is an ass, according to the dickens knows who!" he retorted.

"That's Charles Dickens, for you," I pointed out.

"Was he caught urinating in public too heh! Heh!" He exclaimed chuckling.

"No, but you will be when your pants are down," I said sombrely.

"I'll give them the bum's brush," he replied airily.

"You won't because your butt will be in jail," I replied.

A woman constable suddenly arrived on the scene and gave my left ear a hefty tug.

"You've been ogling girls?" she barked.

"No mum, only those with leporine teeth," I said innocently.

"You mean those with buckteeth?" she asked tartly. "How many teeth do you have left Grandpa?"

"Just my back teeth," I replied hastily.

"Roll up your tongue and touch your back teeth," she ordered.

"I can't," I mumbled.

"Next time I catch you eyeing the young female gender, I will see to it that the law takes its own course," she said glaringly.

"You wouldn't haul your Grandpa to court," I asked alarmed.

"Yes if you start playing Romeo and Juliet at your advanced age," she replied boxing my right ear soundly before swishing away to catch the next senile delinquent messaging Cupid on whatsapp.