Going Bananas

I was mooching up the street and then down again.  A fellow who was snacking hungrily on a couple of bananas, an apple and two oranges, eyed me quizzically.  

"You need a compass?" he asked brightly.

"I wish I had bought one on Amazon when they were giving a discount," I replied moodily.

"Oh! But I don't have a compass on me," he told me frankly.

"Don't you shop on Amazon or Flipkart?" I asked in amazement.

"Amazon? Flipkart?" He asked. "No, are they shopping malls?"

"Yes," I replied, "but not brick and mortar."

"Don't speak in riddles man," he said in between small and large bites on the apple "You like apples?"

"Not since Eve gave it to Adam," I replied.

"That's an apocryphal story," he said eyeing an orange.

"The compass you mean?" I asked.

"Adam and Eve did not have a compass, nor did God give it to them," he replied sourly.

"Perhaps the serpent did," I replied helpfully.

"Could be, the Bible is vague on that," he remarked thoughtfully.

"Why were you siddling up and down the street?" he asked suddenly.

"Why? Was I distracting your buyers?" I asked.

"Yes, they don't like your comings and goings," he snapped.

"I shall come and go as I like, compass or no compass," I replied with a sniff.

"But where were you going?" he asked.

"I was not. I was just lost," I said haughtily.

"All the more why you should carry a compass," he pointed out.

"I shall not," I said emphatically.

"Or you could always knock on a door and ask for directions," he suggested not hearing what I said.

"And, what would they take me for?" I retorted.

"Oh! Someone bent on ogling the mistress," he said airily.

"I don't have a mistress," I said disdainfully.

"Why not? If you had one, she would have given you ample directions. You would not have needed a compass!"

"I don't want an ample mistress or a compass either," I moaned in desperation.

"You could loan one," he suggested smoothly.

"Not from the loan sharks! I won't."

"Then you could watch Jaws," he said simply.

"I don't need jaws to eat apples," I replied heatedly.

"Who said I would give you my apple?" he asked querulously.

"I am not after your apple."

"I am not giving you the bananas and definitely not the oranges," he said emphatically.

"Who wants your bananas and oranges," I said contemptuously.

"Don't be lewd," he barked, "or strip nude!"

"I won't," I said in consternation.

"I don't trust you," he said.

"For all I know you were asking directions to the nearest four point crossing to bare all," he said pointedly.

"I barely know you," I retorted, "I'm not a flasher either!"

"You could be a flasher with a compass. That would be a new one," he said thoughtfully.

"I will not be a flasher," I said with determination.

"But you still need that compass," he said.

"Whatever for," I asked surprised.

"To not cross the bridge until you come to it," he explained.

"You mean there is a bridge on the way," I asked baffled.

"Ha! Ha!" He laughed.

"He! He!" I sniggered.

"What are you laughing at?" he demanded.

"He! He!"

"What?"

"You got a red rag? You need one," I said.

"Whatever for?" he asked in amazement.

"To tell the fat bull that's charging around the corner not to mess with your liver, lungs and underwear! R.I.P," I said and hastily took to my heels.