Humpty Dumpty

I was having a conversation with Humpty Dumpty.

"What on earth made you sit on a wall endangering your yolk?" I asked.

"I am fully insured," he said smugly.

"But all the king's horses and all the king's men could not put you together again," I pointed out.

"Actually I am like a crossword puzzle. I knew that the king's men were asses. They could not put two and two together," he smirked.

"So who picked up the pieces?" I asked.

"None did, I put myself together again," he said chuckling as he teetered on the wall.

"You will fall again and break your crown," I said.

"That didn't happen to me. You should read 'Jack and Jill' more minutely," he said snobbishly.

"They could have made a poach out of you, or scrambled eggs or even an omelette," I said ominously.

"I wouldn't mind as long as they don't use pepper, it makes me sneeze," Humpty Dumpty said.

"Atchoo!" I sneezed.

"Mind your blasted nose, you almost made me lose my balance," he said sharply.

"Sorry," I said, "I did not know that your centre of gravity troubled you," I apologised.

"Only double-decker buses have a low centre of gravity," he said.

"That reminds me of eggs and double-decker sandwiches," I said.

"Cannibal!" retorted Humpty Dumpty.

"I eat eggs for breakfast," I said truthfully.

"So do we," chorused Jack and Jill appearing on the scene.

"There you see, everyone eats eggs," I said, "An egg a day keeps the doctor and creditors at bay."

"What happened to your pail?" Humpty Dumpty asked Jack and Jill.

"We sold it," Jill replied.

"How do you fetch water then?" I asked surprised.

"We don't, we have a pump now," Jack said proudly.

"Then what will happen to the nursery rhyme?" Humpty Dumpty asked.

"You can ask Shakespeare to rewrite it," Jill said indifferently.

"But Shakespeare did not write nursery rhymes!" I exclaimed indignantly.

"Shakespeare had a ghostwriter," contended Jill.

"A real ghost? That sounds spooky," Humpty Dumpty said.

"This one appeared on call when filthy lucre was offered," Jill said.

"And, Shakespeare must have whooped it up with the boys at the pub at night knowing his

sonnets and plays were being taken care of," I remarked.

"He was a great guy, Shakespeare was, running after the girls and promising to lend his ghostwriters

to pen their love letters for cash," Jill informed.

"Don't neglect me, or I will put a curse on you all," Humpty Dumpty said butting in.

"Ha! Ha! Look at what fatso says when we can have him for an eggnog," Jill giggled.

"Don't egg me on," said Humpty Dumpty with a crack appearing ominously on his forehead.

"Are you cracking up?" I asked in consternation. "Then you need psychiatric care and electric shocks at the nearest lunatic asylum."

"Don't you dare suggest  I have gone soft in the head," Humpty Dumpty said indignantly.

"You are heading for a soft-boiled state nevertheless," Jill giggled.

"I can be very hard-boiled when I choose to be," Humpty Dumpty said snootily rocking to and fro alarmingly on the wall.

"He will soon become a poach if he does not stop his rock a bye baby soliloquy," added Jack.

"But he could also hatch into a chicken," I said.

"Then he must go to a hatchery before his insides are scooped out at the breakfast table," said Jill tartly.

"You are not putting me in a lunatic asylum," Humpty Dumpty said angrily and almost overbalancing.

"How would you like to be baked in a cake?" I asked smoothly.

"I'm not ready for Hell yet," Humpty Dumpty said defiantly, "I'd rather be saved as a chicken."

"I could have a chicken omelette then," said Jill brightly.

"Why don't we push him off the wall?" asked Jack.

The local policeman sauntered up.

"Who do you think you will be pushing off the wall?" he enquired tapping his flat feet.

I pointed to Humpty Dumpty.

The policeman scratched his jaw. "We need the fire brigade."

"If the fire brigade is near, can the fire be far for frying an egg," Jill said philosophically.

"Don't jump, Sir," the policeman implored Humpty Dumpty.

"Do you think I'm suicidal?" Humpty Dumpty said contemptuously.

"You never know with Humpty Dumpty. He always tries to be a smash hit," said Jack.

"Let me call the fire brigade and an ambulance,"  the policeman said blowing hard on his whistle till he turned purple.

"I  see that you will need the ambulance first," I told the panting policeman as his chest heaved up and down in exertion.

"He will also need oxygen and a stretcher," said Humpty Dumpty smirking from the wall.

"I can give him mouth to mouth resuscitation," I volunteered.

"Bah!" spat the policeman loathingly.

Jack said, "I wish we had our pail."

"We could give him a pailful of water," Jill said enthusiastically.

"There is a drain here and it has some water," Jack said excitedly.

"This should do," Jill said scooping up some drain water with her cupped hands.

Jack smartly kicked the policeman's feet from underneath him and held him down with a stranglehold. Jill immediately poured the water down his throat.

"Arghh," spluttered the policeman, "I will haul you up for assault and battery."

"Hee, hee," giggled Humpty Dumpty teetering precariously on the wall.

"Get ready for a poached casualty," snickered Jill.

"Omelette perhaps, poached never," protested Humpty Dumpty, "Go boil your head."

"You just let me up," spluttered the policeman.

"Can't you get up on your own?" Jill asked the policeman who was still sprawling on the ground.

"Hee, hee, he has had a great fall," chortled Humpty Dumpty.

"You just wait, you egghead! You will be scrambled eggs once I'm done with you," gasped the policeman.

"That water must have done him good," Jill said, "Shall I give him some more?"

"Don't you dare!" shouted the policeman.

"He needs some more water," Humpty Dumpty said, "Call the fire brigade."

Jack snatched the policeman's whistle and began to blow it with enthusiasm.

"That's police property," the policeman barked.

"Help! Fire!" shouted Jill.

A fire engine came up its bell clanging.

"Do we have to get the doughnut off the wall?" asked a fireman pointing to Humpty Dumpty.

"Get that nut off the ground first," Humpty Dumpty said indicating the policeman.

"We must get the police too," the fireman said.

"I am the police," the policeman bawled.

"But you are down and out.  Jill, he needs some more water," said Jack.

Jill obliged immediately scooping up some drain water and funnelling it into the policeman's mouth.

"No, no don't do that, I will turn on the hose," another fireman said helpfully.

"Put the hose in his mouth. It will clean his stinking insides too," Humpty Dumpty instructed.

"But you cannot do that, it's police torture and I'm a policeman," the policeman moaned.

The fireman turned on the hose drenching the policeman to the skin.

"Where's the fire?" asked a second fireman.

"There's no fire you fool," the policeman spluttered.

"Don't you call me a fool," the first fireman said.

"Me neither," the other fireman said pompously, "I'm nobody's fool ."

"Hee, hee," chuckled Humpty Dumpty.

"That drain water has gone to his brain," sniggered Jill.

"He's drunk," said Jack.

"You shouldn't drink on duty," the first fireman reprimanded the policeman.

"I only drink during weeks without Tuesdays," he replied indignantly.

"Why don't you put him up on the wall beside me?" asked Humpty Dumpty. "We will then know whether he has a low or high centre of gravity."

"Good idea," said Jack, "but we will need a crane to haul up this lump of lard."

"Don't you call me a lump of lard," shouted the policeman.

"There, he can speak. The water did not get to his lungs," the second fireman pointed out.

"He is a watered down lump of lard," sniggered Jack.

"That's blasphemy calling the police lard!" The policeman exclaimed angrily.

"What about a gob of adipose tissue?" giggled Jill.

"That's a good idea," said the fireman,  "give him some tissues to dry up."

"What about the water he drank?" asked Jill innocently.

"It's sure to give him diarrhoea," the fireman said.

"Or even gangrene," said Humpty Dumpty.

"Shut up you bloated egg, I'll have you scrambled for breakfast," the policeman yelled.

"Don't you expose your obscene tonsils at me," Humpty Dumpty said wagging a warning finger at the policeman.

"My tonsils are not obscene!" The policeman protested.

"Perhaps you have laryngitis," the second fireman ventured.

"Or perhaps you need a vasectomy," the first fireman said doubtfully.

"No," screamed the policeman.

"He must be in pain," said Jack in consternation.

"He must have got diarrhoea," Jill said.

"Why don't we get him a nappy?" asked the second fireman.

The policeman glared at him. "I haven't worn a nappy since I was two years old."

"The man is rambling," said Humpty Dumpty.

"We could take him to a lunatic asylum. It must be open now," I suggested.

"I will have you molested  ... er ....arrested for character assassination," shouted the policeman.

"He must be cracking under the strain," said Humpty Dumpty from the wall.

"A sure nutcase," Jill said, "He needs more water perhaps."

"Shall I turn on the hose?" the first fireman asked hopefully.

"He should be watered down," the second fireman said. "He is still lying on the ground."

"Don't lie through your teeth,  I will see you in court and you firemen fools put that hose in your behinds," the policeman shouted as he scrambled to his feet and took to his heels.

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