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Sundays

There was a time when I waited for Sunday. After a week of work, and I worked hard, a day of rest  was very welcome. I loved to sleep.  I am not an atheist, and I go to church maybe once a year for  midnight mass on Christmas eve. So I'm not a churchgoer basically. Therefore Sundays did not mean  that I was seated in the pews in church listening to the pastor's sermon.  The pastor, in fact,  would not recognise me until my sister, who goes more often to church, introduced me as her brother  after Christmas Eve mass. I also had a problem sleeping and would lie awake at nights trying desperately trying to fall asleep. I tried counting sheep and it never worked. I also tried those sleeping videos on YouTube. I listened  \ and felt bored. They were not music I was familiar with and they kept my eyelids firmly apart. Even a safe  tranquillizer that my doctor prescribed did not have any effect. The on...
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Sales Talk


I was trying to be polite to the online salesman. "It's not what I..I.. ordered," I stuttered in agitation.
"But Sir, it's the best brand, very long-lasting and very comfortable," he said in a persuasive voice.
"That's not it, it's, it's ....," I tried to interject.
"We can send you another one, should you want one," he said pushing his point.
"Another one...?" I asked, not liking where this was leading to.
"Yes Sir, or a couple or even a dozen," he said persuasively.
"A dozen...? " I howl.
"You could even order two dozen Sir," he said smoothly.
"What would I do with two dozen! .....Two dozen,  for god's sake!," I shriek.
"Laying in a nest egg Sir, for the future, Sir," he said.
"Are you a banker," I ask confused.
"No Sir."
"Then why are you speaking of investing?" I ask.
"I was merely speaking metaphorically, Sir."
I begin to cough hysterically.
"Shall you call back Sir?" he asked concernedly.
"No, no ....never," I managed to gasp.
"You really should Sir, we offer the very best items at very good bargain prices, Sir."
"No."
"We also offer EMIs and cash on delivery," he said.
"Do you think I'm a cash cow," I asked heatedly.
"I did not call you a cow, Sir."
I get an idea. "Do you sell cows online?" I asked brightly.
"No Sir, We don't."
"Or bulls?"
"No Sir, we don't stock them at the moment."
"Do you sell dung? I could use some manure for the garden."
"That information can only be given to you by another department. If you will allow me to put you on hold for a minute, Sir."
"No, no, don't," I reply alarmed, "Don't do that!"
"It will only take a minute."
"I don't have a minute.
"That is all right, Sir."
"To get back to what I was saying."
"Yes, Sir."
"It's not what I ordered," I said firmly.
"Would you speak a bit louder please, Sir."
"Do you need a foghorn?" I ask exasperatedly.
"No Sir, we don't sell foghorns at the moment."
"Or a hearing aid?" I ask doggedly.
"No, Sir," he counters, "But Sir, as you were saying about ordering a dozen...."
"Eggs?" I ask flustered.
"No eggs, Sir, we don't stock them."
"Perhaps an omelette then. You can't make an omelette without break eggs, you know. Ha! Ha!," I chortle.
"I know, Sir."
"Then, where's my order?" I ask a bit aggressively.
"We sent it to you, Sir.
"I know you did."
"But that's not what I ordered!"
"That's right, Sir.
"No it's not right. Or is it left ....or .... what was I saying?"
"You were speaking about your order, Sir.
"Yes, I was, you're damn right!"
There is a temporary silence at the other end of the line.
"You dork! I ordered a bed sheet, not a brassier!" I yell.

The phone gently disconnects.
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Location: Kolkata, West Bengal, India

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