Sales Talk

I was trying to be polite to the online salesman. "It's not what I..I.. ordered," I stuttered in agitation.

"But Sir, it's the best brand, very long-lasting and very comfortable," he said in a persuasive voice.

"That's not it, it's, it's ....," I tried to interject.

"We can send you another one, should you want one," he said pushing his point.

"Another one...?" I asked, not liking where this was leading to.

"Yes Sir, or a couple or even a dozen," he said persuasively.

"A dozen...? " I howl.

"You could even order two dozen Sir," he said smoothly.

"What would I do with two dozen! .....Two dozen,  for god's sake!," I shriek.

"Laying in a nest egg Sir, for the future, Sir," he said.

"Are you a banker," I ask confused.

"No Sir."

"Then why are you speaking of investing?" I ask.

"I was merely speaking metaphorically, Sir."

I begin to cough hysterically.

"Shall you call back Sir?" he asked concernedly.

"No, no ....never," I managed to gasp.

"You really should Sir, we offer the very best items at very good bargain prices, Sir."

"No."

"We also offer EMIs and cash on delivery," he said.

"Do you think I'm a cash cow," I asked heatedly.

"I did not call you a cow, Sir."

I get an idea. "Do you sell cows online?" I asked brightly.

"No Sir, We don't."

"Or bulls?"

"No Sir, we don't stock them at the moment."

"Do you sell dung? I could use some manure for the garden."

"That information can only be given to you by another department. If you will allow me to put you on hold for a minute, Sir."

"No, no, don't," I reply alarmed, "Don't do that!"

"It will only take a minute."

"I don't have a minute.

"That is all right, Sir."

"To get back to what I was saying."

"Yes, Sir."

"It's not what I ordered," I said firmly.

"Would you speak a bit louder please, Sir."

"Do you need a foghorn?" I ask exasperatedly.

"No Sir, we don't sell foghorns at the moment."

"Or a hearing aid?" I ask doggedly.

"No, Sir," he counters, "But Sir, as you were saying about ordering a dozen...."

"Eggs?" I ask flustered.

"No eggs, Sir, we don't stock them."

"Perhaps an omelette then. You can't make an omelette without break eggs, you know. Ha! Ha!," I chortle.

"I know, Sir."

"Then, where's my order?" I ask a bit aggressively.

"We sent it to you, Sir.

"I know you did."

"But that's not what I ordered!"

"That's right, Sir.

"No it's not right. Or is it left ....or .... what was I saying?"

"You were speaking about your order, Sir.

"Yes, I was, you're damn right!"

There is a temporary silence at the other end of the line.

"You dork! I ordered a bed sheet, not a brassier!" I yell.

The phone gently disconnects.